Many people have stories about how he inappropriately propositioned them and they told him to go away. I may have accidentally fed into his delusions and that makes me a little sad.
Context: This guy clearly has serious mental health issues, in some ways this is handy, he was so clearly unhinged the convention was forced to take action and many people are galvanized. Hopefully future sexual harrasors do not need to be so extreme for a convention to take action.
Story: I was late to the Australian party (btw Tina Connolly's play reading seriously rocked and you should go to anything she organizes because it will be good) and was wandering around chatting to people. A person I had met at a previous convention said hello to me, I said hello warmly in return and as we struck up conversation the person next to him (I assumed his friend) asked for a hug.
I think I might have said "do I know you?" I certainly, after a moment's pause, said "no."
He looked a bit sad and said something like "but I would like a hug." or "please" or something. I paused to think about it. He had just seen me hugging a bunch of people. I love to hug people. Humans are relatively physically isolated these days and safe non sexual touch is good for mental and physical health. It's a nice form of acceptance and celebration of another person's human-ness and it's just a happy thing to do. I'm also fairly physically confident and can hug like a marshal artist if need be.
I assessed the guy and he seemed non-dangerous and a bit sad, so I thought, fair enough, everybody needs hugs, and being a total softy I thought, what if my hugging of other people is making him feel sad about his own physical isolation? That was the deciding factor for me, as I didn't particularly want to hug him, but I hated the idea of making someone feel like an outcast... another sub-factor was I didn't feel like engaging with the guy further around whether I would hug him or not and hugging him was easier than entering into a debate. So I decided I shall give this guy a hug. I said something like, "Why not?" hugged the guy and then went back to chatting to his friend. The guy I hugged just sort of stood there for a while before wandering off.
Later I discovered the exact same guy had then followed an escalating path of abusive behavior and unreasonable demands. He also believes that he has magical powers and can spell people into following his commands.
And this makes me sad, by hugging a fellow human being because they asked me to I actually fed into his psychosis. He probably thinks he spelled me into hugging him. I actually fed the flame of delusion and escalating demands. Ughhhh.
Human beings need hugs and safe physical contact has enormous health benefits. Women especially are trained to be nice and give things to people if they are asked to... and I wonder how much shit this guy has got by demanding at less professional and assertive conventions... how many cosplayers has he harangued into physical contact? How many larger conventions has he been to where he hasn't been called on his actions? Or people have complained, but voices have been lost in the crowd and dismissed?
As I write this I'm wondering what to do if I get propositioned like that again. Perhaps If some guy asks for a hug and they clearly need a hug (this guy did seriously need a hug... but I think he also needs serious therapy and medication and in my wishful universe this convention is the convention that showed boundaries and helps him get the mental health intervention he needs and the magical finances/insurance to get it)... perhaps if a guy asks for a hug I shall see if I can delegate the hugging to physically confidant man in the nearbye area. Sure, have physical contact, but not with me and my tits, get some from this nice man. Perhaps a crazy idea, but certainly a response someone like motorhead shirt would not be expecting... and it is an entertaining thought to have!
So damnit that creeperness exists. It took a pretty extreme case from a guy with low social status to get action, but hopefully this will flow on to a lot of improved processes. And I'm sorry to everyone who had to deal with motorhead guy and that my innocent hugging actions fed into his delusional psychosis and escalating demands.
Edit, later comment that I think is important:
I should add, that although I think this guy has serious mental health issues, that isn't an excuse in my books, just part of the factors. Some of the most emotionally self aware and amazing people I know have serious mental health diagnoses and utilize effective self-management techniques.
Self management techniques that I really wish more successful people in suits would use.... how many suits do you know who, during strategic planning meetings, say "I'm sorry I'm feeling a little bit emotional, I'm going for a walk so I can come back in a minute with a clear head, and look at things in a more balanced way."
Edit 2, where to now and the problems of rape culture
Jaym Gates has been doing a stellar job tracking stuff and putting herself through a lot to turn shitty stuff that goes on into a more positive outcome. It's easy to get cranky about an individual, but there is a lot of systemic stuff to deal with, that is really important to deal with. Jaym has written up her experiences of the creeper (plus an insight into the impact taking lead on some of this stuff is having on her). You can read it here.
Comments
Have seen similar people to the one that you described above as well. Not so uncommon in the fetish scene, and whilst having a mental disorder does explain their behaviour it doesn't justify it or give it an excuse.
He obviously needs a lot of help which people don't seem to be providing for whatever reason and going to such events is most likely fuelling his fantasy more than giving it a creative outlet.
So many issues at play here but don't think it should stop you being the sweet hugging person tat you are. Maybe you just need to get people to sign disclaimers and such if they are randoms who want a hug. :)
How is your brother doing? Brain injuries can be so rough, brains can be astonishingly resilient and rewiring, but it seems to me that reclaiming speech and movement is easier than reclaiming social intelligence and emotional control if those are the spaces that get damaged. I wonder if in part because we're better at training and providing physio for measurables like walking and talking - realms of subtle social interaction and sitting with yourself don't have as much rehabilitative tech.
He has full speech functions and most of his motor skills but he's basically stuck at the emotional maturity of a 13 year old (from his first accident) and also suffering the effects of long term pot abuse -such as paranoia and mood swings. And he does lack the social intelligence to understand the limits of his behaviour.
But, as I said, he could be far far worse than he is, so all good.
If you don't mind me asking, does he go out solo to big social events? or does he generally do stuff with a wingman to help him moderate his behavior? or at least explain why he's not traveling well... knowing why makes such a difference.
He pushed away almost all of his friends because of his paranoia but he has carers and such that he does things with.
He doesn't go out to big social events really but when he does it's either with a carer or alone or with mum.
they both live down the coast these days, so not as much for them to get out to really.
I seriously doubt that you affected him much one way or the other by hugging him. As you say, human beings need hugs. Lots of really nice people with and without mental health issues need hugs, and most of the people who are honest enough to ask are the decent ones. A real bad apple like that is going to use ANY event that happens to them to support their view of the universe.
I mean, I can only imagine what this guy's train of thought looks like, but my guess is: Hugged? Ohh, I must have gotten a hug by my mind-control powers! Not hugged? Ohh, that means I can rightfully force affection from other people later, because I haven't got what I deserve! (I've heard scummy types use rationales like that - to guilt people who didn't give them affection and in general deny any and all personal responsiblity.)
The truth of the matter is, people who are sociopathic enough not to take responsibility for their behavior are still responsible for their own behavior. Because they so slickly try to reject their own relationship with cause and effect, the rest of us - the compassionate ones - try to search for cause and effect in our own behavior. Could I have done something differently? Would it have made a difference?
Because that's what we look for, ways of making different decisions to make the world a better place. It's less frightening, after all, to think that I had power over some event and just screwed it up than to think that I didn't have power over it at all.
But sometimes other people are making their own decisions and will go down a nasty path regardless of what you do, and I find in those cases it's best to set a boundary, to avoid letting unwarranted guilt use up valuable processor cycles.
I think it's important to talk about how he does get things from people and puts people in uncomfortable places. Often people only feel safe to speak about things if they have successfully refused propositioning, because of guilt-slut-shaming that goes on in our society (even if I am only a hug-slut ;). I am more worried about people who are in positions where there are more implied yeses that he could abuse - like cosplayers who put their bodies on display and should be safe, but aren't always.
I don't feel guilt for hugging the guy, it was a bit unpleasant at the time, but I have dealt with much worse in my time. I'm concerned, thoughtful, wondering how to deal with it better next time and owning potential impacts of my actions (I love the idea of finding ways of turning it into a teaching situation and talking about social behavior, he might not take it in, but sometimes learning is about one slip of rice paper at a time) but I don't feel guilt
Thanks too for a little teaching moment right here. Thinking about offering myself for this, or being offered. About what it would "mean", or wouldn't mean. What I would mean by it, and how it might be taken. It all felt vulnerable and 'on display' in ways I'm really not used to.
Also, welcome home :)